You've Already Done Enough Work on Yourself

The most radical thing I did for my healing was stop trying to fix myself

Self-help is the least shameful of my many pseudo-addictions.

If anything, it’s something I’m proud of. I have a ceiling-high bookcase in my bedroom devoted to the broader topic of personal development. I can talk eloquently about attachment theory, IFS, nervous system healing, psychodynamic therapy, CBT, breathwork, and somatic practices.

I used to work in advertising, and one of my clients was a large cosmetics company that you’ve heard of, with an annual ad budget in the hundreds of millions of dollars. The underlying philosophy, the entire foundation of everything we did, was that we were selling “hope in a jar.” The hope that this lipstick/powder/mascara would finally be the one that changed everything, made her feel pretty, made her feel worthy, made her feel good enough. That hit of hope is powerful enough to change a woman’s outlook on her day and get her to fork over her hard-earned money.

There’s something about personal development that gives you a similar hit of dopamine, right in the area where hope lives. “This,” I’d say to myself, “is finally the answer I’ve been seeking all this time.” And there’s a powerful drive there, the drive to be better, to be your best self. There’s an implicit understanding in the wellness space that you have to do more or know more or try harder in order to reach your highest potential. Then you finish the book, course, or workshop, slightly more knowledgeable, maybe with a few new tools, but fundamentally unchanged. Feeling hungry for more and ready to consume the next promising idea.

When I mention addictions, I’m not exaggerating. My compulsive devouring of self-help content contributes to my base of knowledge as a coach, and it helps me be a better mom, a better friend, and a better person. But there’s a dark side. For some of us, consumption of self-help content is a way of soothing an inner wound with an external behavior... which is one way of defining the word “addiction.” I reached for the next self-help book the way someone else might reach for a glass of wine. Not because I was thirsty, but because the alternative was sitting still with myself.

The good girl in a loftier outfit

The drive to keep working on yourself can actually be a manifestation of the good-girl pattern, the belief that your survival depends on being pleasing to others, in its most convincing disguise (read my deep dive on the good-girl pattern here). It looks like growth, striving to be one’s best, and it feels productive. You’re committed to yourself. You’re deep and introspective. You’re becoming your best self!

But underneath it’s the same old belief: I’m not okay as I am. I have to earn love and belonging. If I just do more, be more, be better, I’ll be worthy.

Compulsive personal development sounds like this: If I just master this concept, I’ll be good enough. If I just fix myself by understanding attachment style, befriending my inner child, learning to feel calm, getting to the root of my daddy issues, I’ll be ok.

The tell is the motivation behind the work, and it’s important: Doing personal development work is important, enriching, and worthwhile. But doing so because you’re trying to fix yourself in order to feel like you deserve a seat at the table is just another example of earning love rather than knowing you’re inherently worthy.

It’s the same old pattern, in a more sophisticated outfit.

The problem with “fixing”

What I didn’t understand for a long time is that all the “fixing” was happening exclusively in my head.

I used to take meticulous notes on everything, all the books and workshops and courses. I reread my notes compulsively, trying to blaze the information into my brain, so that the next time my boyfriend insulted me, I’d remember to respond the right way. I memorized everything, understood the concepts fully.

But my body didn’t have the notes.

The nervous system reacts in a tiny fraction of a second. Your mind is collecting new insights that you fully understand. But your body, a significantly faster and more powerful part of you, is running the same old program underneath. No amount of note-taking or memorization changes that. The change has to be encoded into your nervous system, or your body won’t have the notes – and your behavior won’t shift in any lasting way.

The true irony here is that the more information you consume, the more in your head you are, and the less connected you are to the real wisdom that lives in your body. And the deeper you are in survival mode, the less optimally your brain is actually functioning. For many of us, all that consuming and learning is actually a dissociative state — we’ve left our bodies behind completely.

I wasn’t healing; I was researching. Studying. Gathering information. But it was all in my head. It was hope in a jar.

The shift ultimately came when I landed in my body.

The shift toward embodiment

This isn’t about adding more work to the self-improvement pile. It’s about a fundamentally different orientation.

When you start to feel discomfort, or not good enough, or like you could improve yourself, instead of looking outward to external sources to make you feel whole, reorient inward. Ask yourself, what’s present for me right now? What part of me feels inadequate? How can I be with that part? And is there part of me that can be more supportive?

Instead of what’s wrong with me and how do I fix it, ask: what’s already here and how do I come home to it?

In this reorientation, healing isn’t a way of fixing what’s wrong with you on an endless loop of try this, try that. Healing is a way to arrive in your body and notice what’s there with love and compassion.

It’s embodiment as freedom from the endless self-help fix-it loop.

Practices for coming home to the body

These aren’t tips to help you fix yourself; they’re practices to help you be with yourself.

When you have the impulse to fix something (anything) about yourself:

• Notice the thought. Then notice your body. Where in your body does the thought live? A tightness in your chest? A clenching in your stomach? A bracing in your shoulders? Put your hand there. Breathe into it. Don’t try to change anything, just be with it for a few minutes and notice how it might shift on its own.

• Ask her what she needs. Rather than deciding what to fix, place one hand on your heart and one on your belly. Take a slow inhale, and a slower exhale. And check in with your body: What do you need right now? Wait. Don’t chase the answer, let the answer come.

• Notice a thought spiral without fixing it. When your mind starts spinning, breathe. Don’t try to stop the spiral, just notice it: Oh, there I go again. Notice the thoughts aren’t you; you’re the one noticing the thoughts.

What this means for you

All the personal development work, therapy, workshops, and self-help books got you here, where you are today. You have a wealth of knowledge about yourself, your loved ones, the world around you. Your mind has done so much work, and it deserves thanks.

And now, you get to stop.

There’s always more to learn, but the next chapter isn’t about learning more. It’s about landing in the body that’s been waiting for you this whole time. And listening to the wisdom that lives there. Not between the pages of a self-help book.

You don’t need another book, workshop, or course. You don’t need another hit of dopamine disguised as hope. You’re already worthy, because you’re you. You’re already deserving, because you’re here. You don’t need to know more, do more, or earn more in order to be worthy and deserving of love and belonging.

Your body is waiting for you to come home. And there’s nothing about her that needs to be fixed.