Let me guess: You’ve seen those TikTok relationship gurus who preach the “black cat/golden retriever” dynamic.
“Be the black cat, let him be the golden retriever,” they say. And maybe, in a moment of frustration, it actually made sense to you.
But this lineage of advice isn’t new. It’s just a modern remix of The Rules, which insisted women never make the first move and never accept weekend dates after Wednesday. Then came Why Men Love Bitches, which wasn’t actually about being a bitch; it was about being a woman with a life.
We devour these books and videos because most of us have been trained since girlhood to fix, improve, and perform. We’re the ones conditioned to take on the emotional labor in relationships, just like we do in our households. We watched our mothers do it, so we learned that love requires work.
The black cat/golden retriever logic is seductive because it promises power. If you’re mysterious, independent, and a little elusive, you’re more desirable. The less you care, the more he chases.
But it’s just The Rules in a new outfit.
In this “ideal” dynamic, he’s the golden retriever—following you around, attentive, gazing at you adoringly. You care less; he cares more. You’re aloof; he’s invested.
Here’s the problem with this advice: it quietly blames you for his behavior.
It frames his avoidant patterns—the inconsistency, the hot-and-cold energy—as something YOU caused by caring “too much.” It tells you to manipulate your own nervous system into pretending you’re fine with scraps. It puts the burden of the relationship solely in your hands.
Maybe right now, you’re trying to force yourself into that “black cat” mentality.
Meanwhile, the man you’re dating is inconsistent, mercurial, and vaguely irritated by your needs. Maybe his drinking is problematic, or his financial situation is a mess. He bristles at basic boyfriend behaviors and grows angry when you stand up for yourself.
Any well-meaning friend would tell you to leave, seeing clearly that he isn’t the partner you want.
But instead of recognizing the lack of safety and respect, you’re blaming yourself. You think, “It’s my fault for caring so much.” You tell yourself that if you could just be more detached, he wouldn’t be so annoyed.
This is where we have to stop performing and start feeling.
In a healthy relationship, you don’t save TikTok relationship advice videos. In a healthy relationship, you don’t need strategies to be “chosen.” You don’t need to vent in your Notes app about his latest dismissive comment.
Where is the relationship guru brave enough to say, “If you feel so anxious that you have to play games to feel safe, he’s not the right one for you”?
But I guess that message doesn’t generate quite as many likes. And it doesn’t sell nearly as many courses on “how to get him to commit.”
Here’s the only relationship advice you actually need: Connect with yourself.
We don’t need strategies to make him want us; we need practices to help us reconnect with our own truth. We need to stop looking at him to determine our worth and start looking inward.
Your body is your compass. When you’re with the right person, your nervous system settles and your breath deepens. You don’t feel that familiar knot in your stomach wondering what mood he’ll be in today.
If he’s not treating you with kindness, and if you’re not feeling peaceful and soft, he’s not your person. It really is that simple.
Here’s what we’re not doing anymore:
We’re not blaming ourselves for his lack of capacity. We’re not creating artificial distance to make ourselves “attractive.” We aren’t trying to be black cats, cool girls, or “easy” women.
In a healthy love, you feel so safe that you forget strategy exists.
So, here is your new practice:
Take the focus off him and place it back on you.
Notice your body’s signals. Does your chest tighten or soften when you interact with him? Does your breathing deepen, or does it get shallow?
Trust your body. Your body is a far wiser guide than any internet guru. If something feels off, trust that you don’t need proof.
Choose yourself. Not as a tactic to make him want you more. But because you deserve to feel peaceful in your own skin.
Have you ever caught yourself playing a role or using a “strategy” just to keep a relationship going? I’d love to hear your experience in the comments.